TALKING BODY: PERIOD
by Hannah Kloepfer
I realize this note is coming a bit out of the blue. That’s just how I am sometimes-- a little bit unpredictable! I’ll keep this as light as I can.
The thing is...
I’m worried about our relationship. I’ve always thought of you as a sister. As blood. But there’s a toxic force pulling us apart as we age. Resentment? Contempt? I want to shed some light on this before we’re completely out of sync.
I’m aware that reading this may be uncomfortable, but if we don’t get a little bit uncomfortable right now, it’s only going to get worse over time. That’s a promise.
It’s unclear just when we began to fall out of touch, but I’m developing a theory that you blame me for your pain.
I’m not denying that my visits can be rather intense; I chalk that up to how long we’ve been connected. However, if I may be so bold, I believe that with or without me, the pain you feel already exists within you. You get migraines; I don’t cook them in a little vindictive kitchen. Nor do I own a magic zit wand. I do not make you cry... on purpose.
These reactions are all your own. I do, of course, feel them too. Your stress is my stress. It always has been. I would urge you to consider, however, why you only feel safe enough to release this pain and anger with me.
It saddens me to think that you spend our time apart suppressing your true feelings from others. It’s wonderful that you feel you can share those things with me, but do you understand that carrying all that extra weight makes me feel a little abused?
So where do we go from here? I actually suggest that we spend MORE time together. More quality time, that is.
You’re busy. I understand. But I see you gift so many other (perhaps lesser) friends with your time. You readily deal it out in the form of coffee dates, yoga classes, happy hours, many of which you regret agreeing to.
Why are you so reluctant to spend quality time with me? Are you ashamed of me?
I would love to do some of those things together. I’m not much of a drinker, but girl, you know I love me some savasana and an iced matcha with coconut milk. Let’s try it out. My treat.
Listen, if we got through middle school together, we can get through anything, right?
And sure, I’ve disappeared on you a few times, but it’s not like we planned it! I think that happens in any relationship though.
We’ve both changed a lot over the years. I am most certainly not the same as I was 10 years ago; and I know you’re not either. The more authentic we can be with each other, the better off we are.
There are so many growing pains in life, and I weep to think how often you fear being deemed crazy, bitchy, emotional. That’s no way to live. I learned the hard way...
Like... being on medication for almost a decade!? I took it under the hasty advice that it would “mellow me out” and keep me more stable. But the thing was... I wasn’t unstable; I was just young! I wasn’t lashing out because I was evil. I lashed out because I was unhappy (or maybe because YOU were unhappy) and maybe even a little sick. I wish I had listened to my intuition and stopped it earlier. Not because it’s wrong but because it was wrong for me.
I am still sad for my teenage self that allowed someone to control my true colors.
And I am sorry if the effect it had on me caused this fissure we currently suffer. I just want to feel connected to you again. And I’m freer than I’ve ever been! But I’m not perfect. You’ve always been a bit more sensitive than me, so I may still come on too strong or embarrass you in social situations, but it’s never out of spite. Like I said, I can be unpredictable!
So maybe as I am looking out for you, you can look out for me with a little more care? We’d be learning together.
Feed me when I’m hungry. Let me nap when I’m tired. Clean up when I make a mess. I can’t help it sometimes!
We won’t be together forever. I know that. When you truly don’t have time for me, it’ll be for a good reason. And think of it this way: during that time, you’ll need these nurturing skills we’ll practice! Someone else will need you to feed her, put her down for naps, clean up after her. And you’ll love her.
Beyond that, we’ll just be so old and tired that we won’t want to hang out anymore anyway. You’re going to have the WORST tech-neck I bet. What?! You’re looking down at a phone right now, aren’t you?! Better start moisturizing, honey:-P
All this to say: we’re family. And I want what’s best for you.
So whaddya say? Let’s try a little harder to go with the flow?
Hannah is a PAW: Producer, Actor, Writer based in NYC. This multi-hyphenate is currently working as a writer’s assistant, lending her voice(s) to various animated characters and commercials, and developing content for DonorUP. Follow Hannah on Instagram @hannahkloepfer.